Students led activities from the Educators Toolkit
This post was contributed by Laura, a loveisrespect advocate
So your relationship ended – now what? After a breakup, we often feel a rush of painful and confusing emotions. We might even begin to question everything about our relationship. How could it have gone wrong? I loved them so much, isn’t love enough? Did I do something wrong? Does this mean we failed?
That last question can be so tough. We’re often taught that relationships take a lot of work. If you just work hard enough, the relationship should last, right? Well, that isn’t always the case. Relationships can and do end for a lot of reasons. It can be so tempting to think of a relationship that ended in a breakup as a waste of our time and a failure on our part. While those painful feelings surrounding a breakup are certainly normal, no matter how long you were with your ex, your relationship ending is not a failure. Relationships that end can actually teach us a lot about ourselves.
It’s normal to dwell on the positive memories from your relationship – we all like to remember the good times. But no matter how wonderful your ex was, no one is perfect. When looking back on your previous relationship, it might help to try to see it more realistically. Maybe your ex had some habits that you didn’t like. Maybe they had some personality traits that just weren’t compatible with yours. Sometimes fundamentally different habits or personality traits can make a couple incompatible. Those things don’t mean you can’t stay friends once you’ve healed, but thinking about an ex’s ‘flaws’ can certainly help us think about what works for us in a future relationship. Even if we’ve gone over and over in our heads what we hope our partner and relationship will be like, the truth is a relationship takes (at least) two people. We won’t really discover what we do and don’t want in and from a partner without actually being in a relationship, regardless of whether it ends or not. In summary, a breakup can be a chance to find out what works for you and what doesn’t.
You can think of it like trying on a bunch of different clothes. Sometimes you try on a pair of pants, and while you might like the style, for some reason they just don’t fit. Maybe they’re too tight or too long, or maybe you can’t really put your finger on why they’re not working. But by trying on those pants, you discover that they’re not quite right for you, which can be important and helpful in and of itself. Relationships are similar (but of course, a bit more complicated): the only way you can learn what is and isn’t right for you is through experience.
Many people have a number of relationships throughout their lives, and many go through breakups. People also change as they move into different phases of life. Sometimes the person we want to date at 17 isn’t going to be the same person we want to date at 22. That’s okay, because what we want and desire in a partner can evolve and grow as we do. It’s normal and healthy to grow and change as an individual, so it’s normal and healthy to grow and change in (or out of) relationships, too. It’s all a part of discovering who we really are. Learning more about ourselves is never a waste of time! It’s also important to note that if someone breaks up with you, it doesn’t mean you’re “unlovable” or incapable of having a relationship. Different people have different needs in a relationship. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out, but that doesn’t make you any “worse” at being in a relationship. It just means that this person wasn’t right for you right now, and you weren’t right for them – and that’s okay!
It’s normal to go through the cycle of finding a person we like, dating them and then discovering that for some reason, the relationship won’t work. Dating and having relationships that end is a part of our journey in life. While breakups can be really painful, every relationship we have can help us learn just a little bit more about ourselves and what we want. So, even when a relationship ends, it’s not a failure. It taught us so much about ourselves, and that is always a treasured and valuable lesson.
Having trouble getting over a breakup? Not sure if your relationship is quite right for you? Call, chat or text with us!
Additional Reading:
By Anitra, youth organizer
Last week, students at Conrad High School in Dallas, TX joined with educators for a workshop that focused on identifying healthy vs. unhealthy relationship behaviors.
In a unique twist, the students became the teachers and led the event using the Educators Toolkit, developed by loveisrespect. The educators participated in two activities from the toolkit. One activity was completing the loveisrespect relationship spectrum and discussing various behaviors to identify if they were healthy, unhealthy or abusive. The second activity was a group discussion about an unhealthy relationship situation.
Students led activities from the Educators Toolkit
Both activities provided opportunities for students and educators to share their perspectives on different relationship behaviors. Some of the behavior descriptions that were not easily identifiable as being unhealthy or abusive led to discussions about how people can have different views as to what is abusive. For example, one of the behaviors was: “My partner controls/monitors my social media accounts.” Although this behavior is a sign of digital abuse, there were some participants who felt that it was not abusive. One educator pointed out that the use of the word “control” would mean this behavior was abusive.
During both activities, some participants expressed that labeling certain behaviors as unhealthy or abusive can be difficult. One educator noted that in different cultures, certain behaviors are seen as normal or traditional, so it would be difficult to label a behavior – such as a partner monitoring social media – as abusive. This was a good point, but it’s important to remember that there is no excuse for abuse, and abuse is never okay. Although sometimes abusive behaviors can be difficult to identify, a combination of multiple unhealthy behaviors is a red flag for an abusive relationship.
All in all, it was so great to see students and teachers working together to create an open dialogue! Principal Shanna Jones said, “The [workshop] held at Conrad High School was a breakthrough in building healthy relationships campus-wide. It allowed the students to feel more comfortable with their peers, teachers, counselors and administrators.” Both students and teachers recognized that dating abuse is a serious issue and that having these conversations can lead to better education about healthy and abusive relationships. The event was a great success, and many of the participants felt it made a positive impact on their views of relationships!
Thank you, Conrad High School!
This post was contributed by Grace Wickerson, NYAB member and founder of Kickin’ Violence
If you told me when I was a little kid that by age 18 I would be running a nonprofit that has impacted young people and domestic violence survivors across the United States and even around the world, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. Honestly, if you told me that when I started my organization, Kickin’ Violence, in August of 2013, I probably still wouldn’t have believed you.
Kickin’ Violence is a 501(c)3 nonprofit that seeks to inspire youth involvement in non-violence advocacy through education, service, technology and martial arts. We started as a small self-defense training program for girls. We have since expanded into a multi-dimensional organization that supports student action teams in schools in four states, influences state legislation for anti-violence education reform, creates care packages for domestic violence survivors across the country and around the world, and teaches kids to code solutions to alleviate violence. We do all of this with the philosophy “by youth, for youth,” because we believe that engaging youth at a peer-to-peer level is the key to creating a community rallied against violence – and soon, a future without violence.
I work towards this future because violence is an epidemic that ruins lives. Domestic violence statistics from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence show that one in three women and one in four men have been victims of some form of physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetimes. If statistics aren’t something you can relate to, then a quick Google search of “domestic violence” yields a sobering amount of results.
Domestic violence thrives when nobody cares to look. When it exists behind closed doors, it becomes a “not my problem” kind of problem. It thrives off of traditional gender binaries, a world divided in two by hyper-masculinity and hyper-femininity. We encourage boys to be aggressive in order to get what they want. We tell girls that harassment or stalking “must mean he likes you.” Young people aren’t born violent. Violence is something that is learned and passed down from generation to generation. And when these behaviors are passed down as the “norm” and become ingrained, they can be difficult to reverse. What you end up with is another generation taught that violence is okay or even justified. How can we end domestic violence if violence is all we know?
That is the reason why I am so focused on youth, especially during Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s because they still have the power to change their own attitudes and behaviors and influence their peers. They have the ability to view unhealthy behaviors and say “No, that’s not okay,” or “No, you shouldn’t treat someone that way.” They have a willingness to take action and make a difference in the world. They have the drive to create a more respectful and peaceful future, and they only need the tools to do so.
So, if you’re someone who wants to take action this Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I encourage you to find a way to get involved – no matter where you live or how old you are. Look for opportunities in your community. You can also take part in Kickin’ Violence’s “Survivor Packs: Care Packages for Domestic Violence Survivors” initiative. Learn more on our website, kickin-violence.org, and lead360.jeffersonawards.org.
I challenge you to make a difference this October and beyond. Who knows who you might impact and what movement you might lead!
By the loveisrespect National Youth Advisory Board
For you middle schoolers out there, you might be wondering how you can get involved during Domestic Violence Awareness Month and make a difference at such a young age. You might not know where to begin or what to do. We have a few ideas to help you get started:
Talk to the staff at your school’s resource/counseling center to see if there are any events planned for DVAM, and offer to volunteer for their activities. If they do not have anything planned, ask if they would be willing to do an event or an activity to create awareness about domestic violence in your school.
If your school doesn’t have a resource/counseling center, ask the principal if you can plan an event or activity to raise awareness for DVAM. Once you get the resource center or the principal involved and on board, you can start planning! Below are some ideas of what you can do.
Host a Wear Purple Day
As you might know by now, purple is the awareness color for domestic violence. Just like college and high school students, you can get your peers involved by setting aside a day for everyone to wear purple to show solidarity and raise awareness (or you can choose to participate in National Wear Purple Day on Oct. 20!). Get the student body involved by making announcements in the school and putting up flyers. You might even be able to get your teachers involved as well. It doesn’t hurt to ask if teachers are willing to do a small activity or talk about the significance of Domestic Violence Awareness Month with their students. Getting students to wear purple is a way to get many people involved and teach them about the prevalence of domestic violence.
Tabling
Another great way to get involved is to do some tabling, either during lunch period or before or after school. Your table can do anything from small activities, educating your peers, to even giving away small goodies. Some good ideas of what to bring to the table can be found on the Resources page of loveisrespect.org. On our website, you can find links to download handouts, palm cards, bookmarks and even posters. Try reaching out to your school’s health/resource center to see if they would be willing to help you print out materials to distribute and raise awareness for Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Make a Banner of Support
Another fun idea would be asking your friends and peers to help you make a banner of support that you can hang up in the school (be sure to get permission to do this!). The banner can consist of messages of love and support for all the victims and survivors of domestic violence. You can have your student body contribute small notes, little drawings or anything that inspires support and love, and you can arrange all the pieces on the banner. This banner can be hung on a school wall to remind the students of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
How are you raising awareness during DVAM? Share with us in the comments!
By the loveisrespect National Youth Advisory Board
If you’re in high school, you’re in a great position to raise awareness about abuse and start making a difference during Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM)! You can be a voice for young people at your school or in your community in a variety of ways.
If your school doesn’t have a group that works to promote healthy relationships and prevent abuse, consider creating one yourself! You can either work with your school’s administration to form a group or create one outside of school. You might think about reaching out to local organizations that focus on domestic violence prevention or provide shelter for people who experience it, and see if they are willing to work with you. Those organizations could help you organize successful events through advice or other forms of support. You can also contact your state’s domestic violence coalition or a teen-focused organization for more resources and information.
If you don’t want to create your own group, consider volunteering for a local organization that works with domestic violence survivors. DVAM is a nationally-recognized awareness month, so many local domestic violence programs are working to raise awareness, and some may host events during October. They can always use a little help and often are looking for ways to include young people since they know that domestic violence affects everyone.
If you want to do something right now to prevent domestic violence, these things can be accomplished by just you and a group of your friends:
Strategic Messaging
Whether you live in a city or a small town, many local establishments (think coffee shops, juice bars, cafes, restaurants, gyms, apartment complexes, etc.) are open to helping community members raise awareness about various events. Try going to locally-owned places and talking to the managers or staff about Domestic Violence Awareness Month. See if there are ways you can work together to raise awareness among their customers or clients. Many places have community message boards, so you could create a flyer to post with information about DVAM and the numbers to local and national resources. You can also go to public spaces like parks and write awareness messaging with chalk on the sidewalks. The messages can be anything from statistics to catchy phrases that draw people’s attention.
Use the Color Purple
Purple is the awareness color for domestic violence, and using this color is a great way to raise awareness. You can put purple yarn on people’s wrists, wear purple and convince others to as well. Decorate the school’s halls (with permission) with purple streamers or construction paper. Get your whole school or town involved! Talk to your dentist, doctor, family, friends and teachers about going purple for DVAM. Don’t forget, National Wear Purple Day is Oct. 20, so you can post your pictures to social media using #PurpleThursday. This is a great way to create a community that stands up against domestic violence!
Social Media
Another easy way to raise awareness is through social media. Dedicate a post to Domestic Violence Awareness Month on your Facebook, Instagram, or Tumblr. Write a message of support and love for survivors and spread the word to your peers on the platform most comfortable to you. Use the hashtag #DVAM2016 to include your voice in the conversation!
How are you raising awareness during DVAM? Share with us in the comments!
By the loveisrespect National Youth Advisory Board
Being a college student opens you up to many new opportunities. You might meet new people from all over the world, learn from experts in the field and share new knowledge with others. Your campus is the perfect place to start building a culture of healthy relationships, and we have the information you need to make that happen during Domestic Violence Awareness Month and beyond!
There are often many student groups on campus, some of which focus on creating healthy relationships, preventing unhealthy relationships, or working with people who have experienced sexual assault or some form of domestic/dating violence. You can also find groups that focus on social justice, or you can visit the women’s centers. These groups may already have activities planned for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. But if they don’t, they are the groups that would be most interested in getting involved!
If you join a group that doesn’t have plans for DVAM, suggest things like:
CONSENT IS HOT Cup Sleeves
For a lot of people in college, getting coffee from a local place is part of the daily routine. You can make awareness of domestic violence a part of that routine by asking the local coffee shops to consider putting a healthy relationships design on their cup sleeves (see an example here!). If your club/organization has funding, we suggest buying some and just delivering them.
Go Purple
Purple is the awareness color for domestic violence. Use the color purple to raise awareness about DVAM and about domestic violence as a serious issue. If your campus has colored fountains or uses colored lighting, see if you can get campus staff to change the color to purple for the month. You can also encourage students and staff to wear purple on Oct. 20, National Wear Purple Day! Be sure to post your pics on social media using the hashtag #PurpleThursday.
If you feel that the groups on campus are not doing enough, or if you want to do even more, there are many other ways that you can raise awareness and make a difference all on your own.
Start Conversations
Raising awareness can be as easy as starting a conversation about healthy relationships. Begin a discussion by asking people to talk about the things they want in a partner, as well as the things they don’t want. This can be in a casual setting with friends, a planned event with food and drinks, or be a formal conversation with anyone who wants to come. Use loveisrespect as a resource to talk about what’s healthy in a relationship and what’s not. Getting people talking about healthy relationships is a great way to prevent abuse!
Purple Yarn
It can be tough to reach everyone on your college campus with one message. Convincing people to wear purple might seem impossible. However, by buying some yarn and wrapping it around people’s wrists, spreading the message becomes a lot easier. You don’t have to give a speech every time that you give someone yarn, but often, people will ask you why you are doing it. Then someone later in the day will see that person and ask why they are wearing it. Eventually, it can reach the whole campus and raise awareness on a bigger scale!
Go Old School with Flyers
Most college campuses have dorms or residential halls where the majority of the student population lives. If you are looking to reach a lot of people in a small amount of time, dorms are great places to start. Create flyers for Domestic Violence Awareness Month and distribute them by sliding them under people’s doors or posting them on community boards or in the halls (as long as you have permission to do so). You can make flyers to publicize a DVAM event, encourage people to wear purple or to just provide information and resources on domestic and dating abuse. Get your friends involved to make it even more fun!
How are you raising awareness during DVAM? Share with us in the comments!
By the loveisrespect National Youth Advisory Board
October is here, and that means it’s time to raise awareness about domestic violence!
There are lots of ways that you can get involved, no matter your age. We are here to tell you how to get involved in your school or community and about some great ideas that have been done before. This month, we will be releasing a three-part blog series with ideas for raising awareness during Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM). Stay tuned!
You can also check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline and Break the Cycle for more information and DVAM updates!
We hear from many people who are in abusive relationships, and even those who have left relationships, but say that they love their abusive partner. They wonder, “Why do I love someone who has hurt me so much?” It can feel strange, confusing and even wrong to love someone who has chosen to be abusive. Let’s dive into what might be contributing to this feeling of love for someone who is being abusive towards you.
While these feelings can be difficult to understand, they aren’t strange and they aren’t wrong. Love isn’t something that just disappears overnight. It’s a connection and emotional attachment that you create with another person. Love comes with a lot of investment of time, energy and trust. It’s not easy to just let go of a life you’ve built with someone, whether they’re abusive toward you or not.
If you’re struggling with feelings of love for an abusive partner, it could be for a number of reasons:
Abuse typically doesn’t happen right away in a relationship, and it tends to escalate over time as an abusive partner becomes more controlling. You may remember the beginning of the relationship when your partner was charming and thoughtful. You may see good qualities in your partner; they might be a great friend to others, or maybe they contribute to their community. It’s not shameful to love someone for who they could be, or for the person they led you to believe they were.
After hurtful or destructive behavior reaches a peak, there may be periods of “calm” in your relationship when your partner makes apologies and promises that the abuse will never happen again. During calmer periods, it might seem like your partner is back to being their “old self” – the wonderful person they were at the beginning of the relationship. You might feel that if you could just do or say the “right” things, the person you fell in love with would stay and the abuse would end. But, there is nothing you could do or say to prevent the abuse, because the abuse is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the choices your partner makes. Those periods of calm are often a tactic that an abusive partner uses to further confuse and control their partner.
Abusive partners are human beings who are complex, like everyone else. They may be dealing with their own traumas, past or present. As their partner, you care about them, and maybe you hoped you could help or “fix” them. But whether they’re dealing with a mental illness, addiction or an abusive childhood, there is NO excuse for them to abuse their partner in the present. Abuse is always a choice and is never okay. The truth is, even though you love your partner, you can’t “fix” another person. It’s up to them to get help addressing their own trauma and their abusive behavior.
For many victims, feelings of love for an abusive partner can also be a survival technique. It is very difficult for a non-abusive person to understand how someone they love, and who claims to love them, could harm or mistreat them. To cope, they detach from their pain or terror by subconsciously beginning to see things from the abusive partner’s view. This process can intensify when an abusive partner uses gaslighting techniques to control or manipulate their partner. The victim begins to agree with the abuser, and certain aspects of the victim’s own personality and perspective fade over time. By doing this, the victim learns how to “appease” the abusive partner, which may temporarily keep them from being hurt. The need to survive may be compounded if a victim depends on their abusive partner financially, physically or in some other way.
You might want to believe your partner when they say that things will change and get better because you love them, and they say they love you. It’s ok to feel that love and want to believe your partner. But it’s important to consider your own safety and that what your partner is giving you isn’t actually love. Love is something that is safe, supportive, trusting and respectful. Abuse is not any of these things; it’s about power and control. It IS possible to love someone and, at the same time, realize that they aren’t a safe or healthy person to be around. You deserve to be safe, respected and truly loved at all times.
Want to speak confidentially with an advocate about your own situation? Call, chat or text with us any time!
Additional Reading:
This post was written by Diane, an advocate
A safety plan can help you stay safe while in an abusive relationship, while preparing to leave an abusive relationship or after leaving. Often, people focus on planning around physical safety, but it’s important to consider your emotional safety as well.
Emotional safety can look different for different people. Ultimately, it’s about developing a personalized plan that helps you feel accepting of your emotions and decisions when dealing with abuse. Below are some ideas for how to create and maintain an emotional safety plan that works for you.
You deserve to feel safe while expressing yourself and your opinions, and having supportive people around you can help create a safe space. A caring person such as a trusted friend or family member can help create a calm space to think through difficult situations and allow for you to talk about your options.
Dealing with abusive situations can be very overwhelming and stressful. Taking one step at a time can be very helpful in overcoming larger tasks later. An achievable goal might be calling a local resource and seeing what services are available in your area, or talking to one of our advocates at loveisrespect. Remember that you don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with right now, but taking small steps can help options feel possible when you are ready. Reading this page and looking for strategies to be emotionally safe is already an amazing step that you have taken!
Designating a physical place where your mind can relax and feel safe can be a good option when working through difficult emotions. This can be a room in your house, a spot under your favorite tree, a comfy chair by a window or in a room with low lights. Whatever space works for you personally! Adding other elements such as calming music, plants or tools to journal is an option to explore (just be sure that your abusive partner does not have access to your personal journals). This is your safe space, so whatever brings you peace is a great choice.
You are important and special, and recognizing and reminding yourself of this reality is so good for your emotional health. It is never your fault when someone chooses to be abusive to you, and it has no reflection on the great value you have as a person. You deserve to remind yourself of this! Writing messages to yourself about things you like about yourself or saying these things out loud every day can be good ways to start. Even if you don’t feel comfortable with this, just thinking “I matter and how I feel matters” can be validating. It is the truth, and you deserve to hear it.
It’s easy to fall into a pattern where we put extreme pressure on ourselves to make the right decisions right away. This isn’t always possible, and it’s completely okay to take whatever time you need to make whatever choices are right for you. You deserve support from other people, but you also have a right to be kind to yourself, and remember that you are going through a very difficult time. Taking time to practice self-care every day, even if only for a few minutes, really creates space for peace and emotional safety. It’s healthy to give yourself emotional breaks and step back from your situation sometimes. In the end, this can help you make the decisions that are best for you.
If you need to talk to someone about your situation, or if you need help creating a personal safety plan, our advocates are here for you. Call 1-866-331-9474, chat here on the website or text loveis to 22522!
by Heather, a loveisrespect advocate
We all make many decisions every day. Some are fairly easy, like what to eat or wear. Some decisions can affect other people, like how fast we choose drive. And for some decisions (like whether you’re ready for sex, if going to college is the right choice for you, what to do about a pregnancy, or whether to tell your family you’re bisexual), you might need to do a lot of thinking and soul-searching.
Making a decision can be hard, especially if there is no clear, “right” answer. We always recommend that you trust your gut instincts, but getting feedback from people who care about you (including advocates here at loveisrespect!) can be helpful, too. However, it’s important to remember that no one else is living your life; you are. You are the expert in your situation, and you are the only person who can decide what is right for you.
We understand that making a decision can be tricky when you’re trying figure out if something is a great opportunity, or if it’s just too risky. Dr. Ruth Chang (a professor from Rutgers University and an expert on tough choices) says that “one misconception people have about hard choices is that there has to be a correct, best answer out there. As if the answer were a scientific fact, and all you had to do was roll up your sleeves and figure it out. But many of the things we think are [important] when trying to choose something – a career, say – are things we can’t know, and that’s where the agonising comes in.”
So if you’ve got a tough choice to make (like deciding if you should talk to that cute guy in your algebra class, or telling your bff that you have feelings for them), we have some tips and tricks that might help. Try one, or try them all! Keep in mind, though, that if the decision you’re trying to make is whether to break up with your abusive partner, you might consider talking to a loveisrespect peer advocate about how to do that safely before you act.
Sometimes you’re not happy with any of the options in front of you because they’re not right for who you are. Even if there are two choices that seem to make sense (like picking between taking summer courses or going backpacking right after graduation), the real reason you might be unable to make up your mind is that neither option is what you really want. Maybe you really want to get a job. When you find yourself stuck between two options, think about what you want. Ask yourself what you like (or don’t like) about your current situation.
Try asking yourself some questions to help you figure out how you feel about the situation, like: If I don’t do this now, will I regret it? What am I afraid of? What does my gut say? What am I really doing this for? Who am I really doing this for? Will I like myself after this decision? and Can I cope with the fall-out?
Setting a due date for when you will make the decision can help things feel less indefinite. Whether you need a few hours or a few months to weigh your options, you deserve to take the time to make the right choice for yourself. It’s totally ok to not have an answer right now, but setting a due date for yourself can keep you moving forward. If you are overwhelmed with too many options, take a piece of paper and write a list of the decisions you could make. Give yourself a set amount of time and then, one by one, cross off the things that don’t make sense for you. Make the best decision you can make in the moment.
Even when making day-to-day decisions, most of us quickly weigh the pros and cons of our options. Writing out the potential pros and cons of a given decision can help you clarify whether option A is better than option B. Having everything on paper can help solidify your feelings about the good and bad things each choice has to offer. (This list can also be a good reminder when your set due date arrives!)
If a close friend of yours came to you for your opinion on a decision like this, what would you tell them? Changing your perspective can sometimes make your feelings more clear.
Tough decisions mean you’re not only looking at what will happen right away, but also considering the longer-term results of your choice. Will you still be confident in your choice next week, or next year? What if you realize that you made a mistake? Can you survive even if you feel like you failed? It’s important to weigh the cost of failure, but it’s also important to assess our resiliency and coping skills when things don’t work out the way we had hoped. If you choose a path that would devastate you if its outcome were unsuccessful, it may not be a wise choice.
Throw in a couple of off-the-wall options to your decision making process. Instead of A) Either I tell my friend I like him or B) I don’t tell him how I feel, get creative! What if a friend told him how you feel? What if you sent him a note from a “secret admirer”? What if you painted a mural showing your love for him? What if you took a vow of silence for the next 3 months? What if you hired a sky writer to tell the world how you feel??? (Ok, a sky writer may be coming across a little strong.) Getting creative can help you see the options haven’t considered yet.
Do you spend more time scrolling through Netflix than watching that half-hour show? Or do you keep telling the waiter that yes, you still need more time before you decide what you’d like to order? If little choices make you nervous, build up your deciding muscles by starting small. Give yourself 30 seconds to decide what to eat, what to watch or whether to go out tonight. Follow through on your decision. Repeat. Then work up to bigger things. If that gives you anxiety, ask yourself, “What is the worst-case scenario if I pick wrong?” If you choose a movie that isn’t great, you can turn it off. If your lunch is boring, have something different for dinner.
This spreadsheet lets you enter up to five qualities you consider important about each of your options. Then, you rank those qualities according to how important they are to you. The algorithm spits out a numerical value for each option and viola! You have a decision.
Grab a quarter and make one choice “heads” and the other “tails.” Flip the coin and before it lands, pay attention to which side you hope it lands on. More than likely, this immediate reaction is what you truly want to do. Something in your heart is pulling you in that direction. Examine this result carefully. Even if the choice conflicts with all the practical considerations, it’s important to be true to yourself.
Decision Coach Nell McShane Wulfhart says, “No one makes perfect decisions 100% of the time. We date the wrong people, we stay in a job longer than we should, we order the wrong dessert. But action works in your favor, while inaction never does. When you delay making a decision because you’re afraid of messing up, nothing changes. But when you’re proactive, you’re choosing to move ahead— and that’s one of the best decisions you can make.”
No matter what you’re struggling with, remember: we’re each only in control of our own words and actions. Just like there’s no way you can make the barista at your favorite coffee shop feel the same way about you as you do about hir, there’s also nothing ze can do to make you ask hir out. So, take comfort in the fact that the decision to act (or not) is always…yours.
Having trouble making a decision about a relationship? We can help you think through your options! Call 1-866-331-9474, chat here on our website or text loveis to 22522!
By Anitra, youth organizer
Last weekend I saw the movie Suicide Squad. I had heard a lot about the “love story” between Harley Quinn and the Joker, and I wanted to see for myself if it lived up to the hype. Some people on social media have been calling their relationship “goals.” But it didn’t take long for me to realize that what was happening between Harley and the Joker is no love story.
It is common for unhealthy or abusive relationships to be portrayed as “passionate” when in reality they are quite dangerous. In the movie, the relationship between Harley Quinn and the Joker is meant to come off as a dynamic duo in a quest for equal power. But their relationship is not about equality. The Joker often uses abusive tactics to maintain control over Harley and their relationship.
Manipulation: The Joker is highly manipulative of Harley from the beginning. In their backstory, Harley is the Joker’s psychiatrist, and he uses his mental illness, his past as an abused child and the mistreatment he received from others to manipulate her feelings for him. Manipulating a person’s feelings to get them to behave a certain way is not healthy. It’s also important to remember that mental health issues do not excuse abuse, and neither does a person’s past.
Possessiveness: The Joker treats Harley as a possession that belongs to him. During one scene, the Joker “gives” Harley to a business partner, saying, “Harley now belongs to you.” In another scene, the Joker asks Harley if she is willing to die for him. She eagerly responds, “Yes.” He then says that dying is too easy and asks if she is willing to live for him. This implies that he wants her to submit to him and only him. But people are not possessions. Neither partner has the right to make decisions for or control the life of the other.
Physical Abuse: The Joker uses physical torture/abuse to control Harley and make her “prove” her love for him. In one scene he tells Harley that he doesn’t want to kill her, he’s just wants to hurt her “really, really bad,” to which Harley responds that she can take it. In the scene mentioned above where he asks Harley if she is willing to submit to him, she responds by falling into a barrel of what is believed to be acid. Physical abuse of any kind is never okay. In a healthy relationship, partners make the choice to care for and trust each other; these are not things you have to “prove” to your partner by acting a certain way.
I know this movie is fictional and it has a lot of extreme characters and situations. But, as we’ve talked about before, the messages we get from movies, music, television and ads can influence how we think and feel about our relationships. The relationship between Harley and the Joker may be romanticized in Suicide Squad, but abuse and manipulation are not #relationshipgoals. We think it’s important to think hard about the messages we’re getting and whether they’re healthy for us or not. Because at loveisrespect, we believe everyone deserves a healthy, safe and respectful relationship!
Maybe you’ve just graduated and you’ve decided to look for a place to live with your partner. Or maybe you’ve been dating for a while, and moving in together seems like a good next step. For many people, living with a partner is a way to learn more about each other, as well as a practical decision to help ease cost of living (splitting the rent, anyone?). But this situation can also be an opportunity for a partner to become more controlling and financially abusive.
Financial abuse occurs when when a person controls or exerts any level of power over their partner using money and finances. Like all forms of abuse, it can happen to anyone at any time. But, if you have a lot of new financial responsibilities, and you’re sharing expenses with a partner for the first time, it might be especially difficult to recognize the warning signs.
Even if your relationship is relatively healthy, it’s important to discuss how you and your partner will handle finances and household responsibilities, ideally before you move in and begin living together. Communicating about money should be just like communicating about any other topic in a relationship: honest, open and respectful. People can have complicated feelings about money and different spending/saving styles, but it’s important that each partner feels informed and comfortable with how the finances are handled, and like they have a voice in any financial decisions that could affect them.
If you’re considering moving in with your partner, you might want to discuss the following:
Paying for Bills/Expenses
Shared expenses should be divided in a way that all partners agree is fair, whether that means they’re divided equally or proportionally to income. Have a discussion with your partner about total shared monthly expenses and the best way to pay for them. Be sure to note who will be responsible for making sure bills are paid on time so that you don’t incur penalties or late fees, or you might consider setting up automatic payments if that’s an option.
Combining or Keeping Finances Separate
Some people choose to keep their finances in separate accounts, some choose to combine their finances, and some choose to have a single joint account they use to pay bills and shared expenses. You and your partner should decide what works best for your relationship, but each person should have equal access to any shared accounts. However, you do not have to share personal passwords or give your partner access to your personal accounts.
Do you think your partner might be financially abusive? Here are some signs to watch out for:
On a final note, it’s always a good idea to educate yourself about finances, even just the basics, so that you can feel empowered to make decisions about your own money. We’re not financial experts at loveisrespect, but there are a ton of personal finance blogs out there (like The Financial Diet and Get Rich Slowly) that can help.
Do you have concerns about your relationship? Call, chat or text with us any time!
By Anitra, loveisrespect youth organizer
You probably heard the recent news about actor Johnny Depp allegedly abusing his wife Amber Heard. Although Heard’s case against Depp was strong enough for her to secure a restraining order, people still came to his rescue and accused her of making false allegations.
It wasn’t surprising to see the usual pattern of victim blaming and shaming that usually occurs with domestic violence. People expressed disbelief and came to Depp’s defense to say, “I don’t believe he is capable of doing something like that.” There was shock: “He’s just not that type of person.” And people shamed Heard by calling her names, trying to discredit her and asking, “Why didn’t she come forward sooner?”
That last question is pretty commonly asked of domestic violence survivors: “Why didn’t they speak up sooner?”, “Why didn’t they just leave?”, “Why didn’t they tell anyone?” After being a peer advocate for loveisrespect, speaking with dating abuse survivors and experiencing abuse myself, I can provide an answer to those questions: shame. Shame (among other factors) often makes victims feel like they are trapped, like they are silenced, like there is no way out. Shame is what keeps many victims from coming forward.
I blogged about my experiences with abuse here. I remember it being one of the toughest things I ever had to deal with. It wasn’t just the abusive relationship that was hard, but the shame and embarrassment that I felt afterwards. I felt like I had done something wrong, and since I didn’t recognize the signs, it was my fault and I deserved it. I didn’t want anyone to know about my experience, and the shame alone almost led me back to my abusive partner. For many people, it does.
Due to the culture of victim blaming that surrounds domestic and dating abuse, shame is very common for survivors. For those who have experienced abuse, it’s important to know that what you are feeling is common. If you are dealing with shame, here are some things to remember:
It was NOT your fault. Abusive partners (and sometimes family, friends and society) can convince their partners that the abuse is their fault, or they are the reason the partner is abusive. This is not true at all. Each partner has control over their actions. One partner choosing to be abusive is never the victim’s fault.
You did NOT deserve it. There is nothing anyone could ever do to deserve to be abused. Both partners deserve respect at all times. You don’t deserve to be put down or called names, told who you can or can’t be friends with, or to be controlled or hurt. In a healthy relationship, each partner should be able to communicate their feelings without resorting to violence or abuse.
There is help available. Building a support system after experiencing dating abuse is important. Dealing with a traumatic experience can be overwhelming, and having someone to talk to about it could be helpful. However, if you don’t feel comfortable talking to friends or family about what you experienced, loveisrespect is here 24/7. You deserve to be heard, and your feelings matter. But it’s important to remember that you have the right to choose how you want to handle your experience.
Self care is important. After experiencing something traumatic, such as dating abuse, self-care can be a big part of healing. That can look different for everyone, but some people choose journaling, yoga, reading or just sleeping. The important thing is to relieve stress and take care of yourself physically and mentally.
Not too long ago, I did an interview about my experience with dating abuse, and the issue of shame came up as it normally does. The journalist asked me a question that no one ever had asked before: what would you have wanted someone to tell you when you felt that way? I had to think really hard about it because a lot of things came to mind. For sure, I wish I had heard some of the statements above, but my response was, “You did your best.” At a time when I was questioning myself and wondering how this happened to me, what I really wish someone had told me was that I did my best.
There is no correct way to handle abuse. No blueprint. No how-to book. Each experience is unique, but one common feeling is shame. Part of that shame for me was rooted in the fact that I did not know how to process what I experienced or how to move forward. If you’ve experienced dating abuse – something that no one should have to deal with – just remember: you did your best, and you do not deserve to feel ashamed.
Are you dealing with feelings of shame because of an abusive relationship? We’re here for you. Call 1-866-331-9474, chat here on the website or text loveis to 22522!
by Melissa A. Fabello. Originally posted on Everyday Feminism.
I had an intervention once.
Kind of.
It wasn’t like the tearful ones that you see on TV, where a load of loved ones read notes from their pockets begging their person-who-might-have-a-problem to find themselves again.
No, it wasn’t like that at all.
But my mother did get me in a place where I couldn’t easily escape – her car – and, sweetly but sternly, expressed that she had something to say and that I wasn’t going to like it. She told me: “You can’t choose who you love. But you can choose who you’re with.”
I remember seeing her eyes mist while I sat, staring ahead, and just said, “Okay.”
At the time, I was in a toxic relationship.
I was in a relationship with a man who was always unhappy with me. He loved the idea of me much more than he loved my actual self, and he implicitly held me to a standard that I could never attain because it wasn’t reality. He wanted the Melissa that he had painted in his head, not the one standing in front of him.
Although he never caused me direct pain, physically or emotionally, he was constantly disappointed in me – and therefore distant, leaving me in a constant state of desperation.
The night before my intervention, my mother had walked in on me screaming crying on the phone.
Again.
I guess that hearing your twenty-something-year-old daughter crying, night after night, eventually weighs on a mother. So she had to say something.
And I’m glad she did.
Because the truth was, despite it all, I loved him – and that love was not enough.
We need to let go of this notion that it’s harrowingly romantic to work through a relationship that doesn’t feel good, that we should stick with someone who doesn’t serve our higher selves.
And because the emotional connection of love isn’t a binding contract, you can love someone and still let them go.
But how do you know for sure if that’s what you need? How can we tell if our relationship isn’t serving us – if it’s hurting us beyond what’s normal – and if we might be better off alone or in search of someone else?
I can’t quite answer that for you. Mostly, it’s a gut feeling that something isn’t quite right and hasn’t been for a while.
But I can at least offer you some guidance in how to think through it – in how to decide whether or not your partner is one you want to choose to be with.
I used to work as a domestic violence prevention educator. I went into schools and community organizations to explain relationship dynamics, and I talked about everything from how to build a healthy relationship to how to improve unhealthy communication to how to spot an abusive partner.
As you can imagine, I got a lot of questions and was privy to a lot of personal stories.
Most of all, and heartbreakingly so, participants frequently asked, after listing out their partner’s behaviors, if I could tell them if they were abusive.
Solemnly, I would tell them, “I can’t answer that for you. But I have two things that I want you to think about to help you work it out for yourself.”
And I would ask them to reflect on two questions: 1) Is it a pattern – something that happens over and over again, over time? And 2) Are they doing it to gain power and control over you?
That is, are they engaging in the actions that they are with the intention of changing your behavior?
Are they accusing you of cheating when you shut your phone off to have dinner with your parents, with the intended outcome being that you always answering when they call?
Are they telling you that they don’t like who you are when you hang out with your best friend and that they’d rather spend more time alone with you, with the intended outcome of your becoming socially dependent on them and them alone?
Are they saying that their jealousy is just a flaw of theirs that you’ll have to learn to love, that they only get jealous because they love you, that their rage is your fault for not being sensitive to that, in hopes that you’ll stop hanging out with your ex?
Because when your partner manages to change your behavior – when you find yourself increasingly changing your usual way of being in order to avoid conflict with your partner – then they gain power and control over you.
And that’s more than toxic. That’s abusive.
Today, I want to talk about unhealthy relationships – relationships that may not necessarily entail abuse, but that are painful and confusing.
I want to talk about toxic relationships – so called because instead of nourishing your growth, as a relationship should, they slowly wither you away like poison in your system.
Because I think that sometimes we get stuck in circles in our minds asking ourselves whether or not a partner is abusive, when really, we should be asking ourselves whether or not they’re healthy for us.
Because relationships with abusive partners are bad – but so are relationships with toxic partners.
Because unhappiness is unhappiness – and you deserve better.
So if you answered “no” to this question, this article is still for you. It’s for exactly you.
And if you answered “yes” and think that you or someone you know might be involved in a relationship with an abusive partner and you’re interested in knowing what your options are, you can call loveisrespect at 1-866-331-9474 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Quick. Pull up the last cover letter that you wrote to send in with a job application. Trust me, I’m going somewhere useful with this.
Read it through. Tally up how many times you tell your potential employer how their company or organization might benefit you. And then tally up how many times you tell them how you might benefit them.
It should be about equal. Because what you want to prove to them – and take heed of this if you’re on a job hunt – is that the relationship is mutually beneficial.
I read a lot of cover letters when we hire people at Everyday Feminism, and I’ve learned that most people do a lot more of either one or the other – and that’s imbalanced.
Relationships are kind of like that.
Because for any relationship to work – whether romance or employment – there has to be a clear and obvious understanding that you both need one another on some level and that you both will fulfill your duties to bring the other adequate satisfaction.
And in a relationship with a toxic partner, what tends to happen is that you’re bringing your partner a whole lot of satisfaction, but they’re not really bringing it for you in return.
And then the relationship isn’t mutually beneficial anymore. Instead, it’s a relationship where one person gains and the other person loses.
We – especially women – are often taught that being a good person (and, by proxy, a good partner) means making someone else happy.
But rarely are we taught to remember that we, too, should experience happiness in our relationships. And hey. You should. You should experience growth, benefits, and joy in your relationship.
So, like in the cover letter activity, ask yourself: In this relationship, what do you bring to the table? What do you offer to your partner – emotionally, intellectually, sexually, and even financially – that benefits them? And what do they offer you?
And – just like in the cover letter activity – those lists should be pretty evenly spread.
When you think of the word “sacrifice,” what comes to mind for you?
For me, it’s goats and blood and stuff, mostly. But it also comes with a general feeling of sadness and defeated resolve.
What about when you think about the word “compromise?”
Because I see people shaking hands and smiling when I think of that word. That’s way different from bloody goats.
The thing is, we often think of these two words as interchangeable. We conflate “sacrifice” and “compromise” a lot in our society, especially when we’re talking about romantic relationships – and we shouldn’t.
Only one of these has a place in our relationships.
When we make a sacrifice, what we’re doing is giving up something that’s meaningful to us in order to allow someone else to have their way. It’s one person getting exactly what they need, while the other gets the exact opposite of what they need. And we already covered “mutually beneficial,” remember?
When we make a compromise, though, we work together with our partner to figure out how to come to a conclusion that minimizes damage and maximizes satisfaction – even if neither party gets exactly what they want.
A sacrifice in a relationship might look like your partner refusing to accompany you to your office party, where you’re being given an award, because they “hate your coworkers.” A compromise would be agreeing to stay only for a couple of hours.
A sacrifice in a relationship might look like your partner expecting you to go vegan because they are. A compromise would be agreeing to use separate pans in which to cook your meals.
Your partner, in general, shouldn’t be asking you to make grand sacrifices.
But if you find that your partner is consistently expecting you to sacrifice your needs, rather than entertaining the idea of a compromise, then they stand to gain a lot more from the relationship that you do.
And that’s toxic.
Pretty regularly, I open a conversation with my partner with something along the lines of “I just wanted to check in about _____,” where the blank represents some potential misunderstanding or the acknowledgment of one of us doing something hurtful.
What follows is usually a quick back-and-forth about whatever The Thing is, just to make sure we’re at an understanding and have a game plan for how to deal with it going forward.
And then – this is the important part – he ends the conversation by thanking me and reminding me that I can always feel free to broach any subject with him, however controversial or awkward.
That is a normal, healthy, adult way to handle potential conflicts.
And the only reason why I know this information is because of how many times I was in relationships with partners who didn’t pay me the same basic courtesy.
At the end of the day, if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner, afraid to tell or ask them something, then something is wrong.
Some conversations are uncomfortable to have – that’s real, and it’s never fun. And especially if you’re admitting to something that you did wrong or asking a partner to admit their own wrongs, you might be nervous about bringing up the topic. And that’s okay.
But if you’re fearful that your partner is going to shut down the conversation, express annoyance at your insistence to talk, minimize the importance of the discussion, or if you suspect that your partner won’t follow through on what you (reasonably) ask of them, then really, that’s disrespectful.
Ask yourself: Is this an appropriate conversation to have at this time and in this space? Are my needs rational and fair? Is this discussion important to me and to the success of our relationship?
And if the answers are yes, then ask yourself: Will my partner respond reasonably and genuinely to my concern? Will my partner, even if they get emotional, treat me with love and respect during this conversation? Is there a high likelihood that I’ll feel better once the conversation is over? Will my partner try to come up with a solution with me?
And the answers to those questions should also be yes.
Because relationships take two people. And part of caring about another person is showing up for them and hearing them out.
This, at the end of the day, is the absolute most important question when trying to work out whether or not a relationship is serving you.
And you wouldn’t know it if you listened to any generic love song on the radio.
Because we have a really damaging cultural understanding (that you can hire me to talk about endlessly) about love: It’s supposed to be confusing and painful, and it’s working through that which makes it worthwhile and romantic.
But I want to let you in on a little secret: Relationships aren’t easy – and they aren’t always fun – but they’re not supposed to hurt.
And the biggest clue, I think, to whether or not your relationship is a healthy one is to consider how happy you are.
You may not be blissfully happy constantly – and I don’t think that would necessarily be healthy either – but your contentedness should be up, and feelings of confusion and pain should be minimal.
And if you’re not sure how to measure this, you can even try recording your emotions in a journal. You can use this list of feelings words to get you started. Most of the time, your feelings should be positive.
And if your partner – or the dynamics of the relationship – is hurting you, or if you find yourself frequently confused about the state of your union and without the comfort to discuss it, then you might be living in emotional disarray.
And that confusion breeds anxiety and resentment, both of which are visceral, I-feel-like-my-lungs-are-filling-slowly-with-concrete emotions that can seep out into your body through your veins.
And that toxicity can eat you alive.
Sometimes your partner is going to hurt your feelings. And sometimes your partner is going to confuse you.
But if that’s the MO, rather than a rare occurrence, then the bottom line is: This relationship might not be the healthiest for your well-being.
***
My mother was right, of course: I can’t choose who I love, but I sure as hell can choose who I’m with.
But that’s usually easier said than done.
Eventually, I did walk away from that relationship and detoxed my heart back in shape.
Thank goodness.
Because love should feel good.
Does yours?
Melissa A. Fabello, Co-Managing Editor of Everyday Feminism, is a sexuality educator, eating disorder and body image activist, and media literacy vlogger based out of Philadelphia. She enjoys rainy days, Jurassic Park, and the occasional Taylor Swift song and can be found on YouTube and Tumblr. She holds a B.S. in English Education from Boston University and an M.Ed. in Human Sexuality from Widener University. She is currently working on her PhD. She can be reached on Twitter @fyeahmfabello.
“If you leave, I’ll ruin your life with these pictures…”
One form of digital abuse you might have heard of is nonconsensual pornography, often called “revenge porn.” This type of abuse intersects with sexual abuse, as it involves the digital distribution of nude or sexually explicit photos and/or videos of a person without their consent. It’s called “revenge” porn because the images or videos are often used as retaliation or as blackmail material by a current or former partner.
At loveisrespect, we hear from many people who have experienced this form of abuse. Some victims have willingly shared images privately with their partners, only to have their partners break their trust and later threaten to distribute those images publicly. Others have had partners coerce or force them into creating sexually explicit materials in order to shame, control and manipulate them. Alternatively, an abusive partner might take photographs or videos without the victim’s knowledge and then use the threat of sharing those materials online to maintain control over the victim.
Like all forms of abuse, revenge porn is extremely traumatizing. Unfortunately, legislation has been slow to respond; not all states have enacted laws against revenge porn or recognize it as a crime, leaving victims with little to no legal recourse in some cases. End Revenge Porn, a campaign of the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative, provides a guide to current state laws as well as a list of additional resources for survivors.
You have the right to say “no” if you are not comfortable sending your partner sexually explicit images. No one is ever obligated to engage in sexual activity of any kind, with anyone. Note that in every state it is illegal to have or share sexual photos or videos of anyone who is under the age of 18. If your partner continues to request images or videos you are not comfortable taking or sending, here are some safety tips:
If your partner continues to pressure you or starts forcing you to send sexually explicit materials and you do not feel safe resisting or refusing, you may feel that the safest course of action is to send them. The following tips may help protect your safety and privacy as much as possible:
If your partner is pressuring you to send explicit pictures or videos, or if they are threatening to share materials you have shared privately with them, call, chat or text with us any time. Our advocates are here to provide support, safety planning tips, and can also connect you with local or legal resources depending on your situation.
By Tatsumi Romano, loveisrespect National Youth Advisory Board member
[Trigger Warning: rape and sexual assault]
By now you’ve probably heard that Brock Turner, a former Stanford athlete, was found guilty for three counts of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman behind a dumpster on campus on the night of January 17, 2015. Two students passing by tried to help the victim and had to tackle Turner to the ground as he attempted to run away from the scene. Despite the traumatizing assault of a woman who could do nothing to defend herself, Turner received a shockingly light sentence of six months in county jail, with the possibility of release after three months based on good behavior.
How’d they do it? How did Turner’s defense team manage to score such a light sentence for their Ivy League client?
The answer is all too familiar: victim-blaming. Turner’s defense focused on the dangers of intoxication and how the victim must have wanted it, considering her “promiscuous” outfit and state of mind. However, I’m extremely doubtful of how much she might have wanted it, considering her inability to consent due to her being intoxicated, let alone being flat out unconscious.
Just when everyone thought this case couldn’t become more appalling, Dan Turner, the father of the perpetrator, released a statement. In defending his son, Turner wrote that the sentence “is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action…” If I told you I got “20 minutes of action” the other night, you’d probably assume that I had a great hook up with someone I’d been eyeing for some time. You wouldn’t assume this had anything to do with rape, right? At no point would you assume I actually meant that I forced myself on an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. This wasn’t just “20 minutes of action.” This was a crime.
And how is a minuscule six months in county jail a steep price to pay for completely violating a woman’s privacy and body and shattering her sense of security? In the statement, Dan Turner elaborates on the potential positive change his son can make, describing the Stanford swimmer as “totally committed to educating other college-age students about the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity.” First of all, trying to subtly pin the victim for being at fault with her “promiscuity” is tasteless and disgraceful. All of this leads me to ask: Is Brock Turner really that committed to making “positive” changes? If so, why did he choose to spend his Saturday night in 2015 assaulting an intoxicated woman, instead of making sure she found appropriate assistance to get her back to her dorm room safely or receive the medical attention she might have needed?
A sentence of six months for Turner minimizes the pain and terror the survivor in this case and all survivors of assault face. When a person is told that six months in county jail is the punishment that fits the crime, they’re told that their assault doesn’t matter. News like this can be disheartening, and ultimately, we just get down to the question of whether or not it makes a difference to have spoken up at all.
I say yes. Yes, it makes a difference that she spoke up because it shows other survivors who may not be ready to speak – who may never be ready or willing to speak publicly – that they matter and that their experiences are real. While the justice system has failed her with this sentencing, by speaking up she brought this broken system into the public spotlight, where we can join her in this ongoing fight for survivors’ rights. (You can read her powerful and moving statement at the trial here.)
Survivors deserve our support, no matter the outcome of a trial, or even if there never is a trial. Survivors deserve to find ways to heal that work best for them, whether that’s being able to share stories with someone who has endured a similar trauma, speak with a trusted social worker or counselor or any number of healing and self-care activities. Regardless of where a survivor starts, whether they choose to make a report or what the outcome is, they always deserve the opportunity to be heard, met with compassion and reminded of their unconditional worth.
This post was contributed by Katy, a loveisrespect advocate
At loveisrespect, we’re obviously focused on helping people build healthy dating relationships. But we know that not everyone is currently in or wants to be in a romantic relationship! Although having healthy relationships with others is important, the most important healthy relationship you can have is with yourself.
Maybe you’re not ready to date anyone yet, maybe you’re choosing to be single right now (or indefinitely), or maybe you are considering breaking up with your partner but the thought of being single is terrifying to you. No matter what, it’s really important to understand that dating someone or being in a relationship doesn’t “complete” you. A lot of people might feel that if they’re not in a relationship, or if they don’t want to be in one, something must be wrong with them or something is missing from their lives. But this isn’t true! You are whole and complete just as you are. Being single may look lonely, scary, unfulfilling or boring to some people, but it doesn’t have to be.
If you can’t be yourself, by yourself, it can be next to impossible to be yourself with someone else. That’s not to say if you are in a relationship right now you need to break up, but spending time alone can be a really healthy thing to do. Being alone with yourself gives you more free time to explore your own thoughts, feelings, interests and the areas of your life you might be tempted to neglect when you’re with a partner (and maybe even watch that TV show you’ve been wanting to see!).
Setting boundaries is key to being a healthy person because boundaries help you define how you would like to be treated by others. Figuring out what you are comfortable with, both in and outside of a relationship, can be really valuable, and while you’re single you can really think clearly about your own boundaries. When thinking about your boundaries, some things to consider are your physical, sexual and emotional comfort levels in different situations (check out this handy list from Scarleteen to help you think through your sexual boundaries). While it’s possible for boundaries to shift during a relationship as you build trust with someone, having those standards in the back of your mind if something goes wrong can be so helpful.
Having a solid support system made up of people of all genders can be helpful during any phase of life. Members of your support network can include family, friends, co-workers, mentors or anyone else you trust and enjoy spending time with. It can sometimes be easier to create that system of support when you’re not in a relationship since when you have a partner, it can feel as though you don’t have time for anyone else. Some ideas for building up your support system include reconnecting with that old friend you haven’t seen in ages, catching up on things with your bff, or making some new friends through a team or club. Hobbies, clubs and shared activities are also great ways to continue connecting with the people who are already a part of your life.
Learning how to take care of and value yourself – rather than another person – is so important, and it doesn’t have to be scary! It can actually be a really cool learning process. Feeling good on your own is a useful skill whether you’re in a relationship or not. It’s great to know that you are happy on your own and able to love yourself and have that love be enough. It’s also hard to trust other people if you don’t already trust your own wants, needs and instincts, and trust is a key foundation in any kind of healthy relationship.
You can be happy single, just like you can be happy in a relationship. It’s a great time for being good to yourself and exploring new things. So kick back, relax and enjoy the single life!
Other Posts to Check Out:
Making the Most of a Break
Flying Solo? Make It Count
Building Support Systems While in an Unhealthy Relationship
Relationships, Friends, and Finding a Balance from Scarleteen
Self-Care: A La Carte from Scarleteen
This post was written by Mikaela, a loveisrespect advocate
Dating abuse is often mislabeled as a “relationship problem,” but we know that it’s actually a problem with one individual’s behaviors. Abuse happens when one person tries to gain and maintain power and control over their partner. While every abusive person is 100% responsible for their own behavior and choices, the beliefs that lead to abuse are, in many ways, rooted in our culture. Today we want to talk about some of the ways our culture reinforces and normalizes abusive behaviors so we can combat those unhealthy beliefs and stop abuse before it starts!
We know that abuse can and does happen to people of all genders and sexual orientations, but statistics show that, around the world, relationship abuse is predominantly inflicted upon women, often by men. Unhealthy ideas about gender roles and expectations can encourage and excuse really unhealthy beliefs about relationships and power. Two concepts that contribute to these ideas are male privilege and the objectification of women.
Coming from a long history of patriarchy (which is the idea that power and control inherently belong to the men of a community), many beliefs about male privilege are still built into our society, including our ideas about power in intimate relationships.
Something we hear from many abusive partners who are working to change their behavior is that they deeply believed they had the right to control their partner. That misconception can affect people of all genders in relationships, but it can be especially true for boys and men who have grown up surrounded by the message that they are supposed to be powerful and that they deserve to have control. They feel that anything less than full control in a relationship means they are being “emasculated” or they’ll be seen as weak, and weakness is associated with being “feminine.” For men who subscribe to these beliefs, being feminine is the ultimate failure. You can start to see how this leads to some unhealthy ideas about both men and women.
Ads, movies and other media often reinforce the idea that being in any way “feminine” is an undesirable trait for men and makes them less powerful and less admired by their peers. As an example, in the ad below a man is wearing a facial mask like you might get at a spa.
The caption reads, “Some men just need to be slapped” and the small print at the bottom implies that if you cry or share your feelings, you aren’t “manly” enough. The subtext is that getting a spa treatment or expressing feelings are exclusively feminine, and it’s unacceptable for men to participate in feminine activities. Not only is it unacceptable, but guys who do it should be physically hurt. This kind of thinking divides men and women into separate boxes (watch Tony Porter’s great TED talk about the “man box”) and suggests that any overlap, especially for men, is wrong or even worthy of violence.
Even common phrases can hint at male privilege and these separate “boxes.” You’ve probably heard someone say, “He/she wears the pants in the relationship,” which is often used to indicate who has the power or control in the relationship. The phrase itself suggests that one person should have more control in a relationship and the control is rightfully the male partner’s, since traditionally men wore pants and women wore skirts. A woman who “wears the pants in the relationship” is taking on the “male” role and the power that supposedly comes with it.
One way that we can work towards ending abuse in our society is to shift our beliefs and recognize that no one has the right to power and control over others, regardless of gender. A healthy relationship should never feel like a power struggle, but is instead based on equality between partners.
Women are often objectified in media, from billboards and magazines to music, movies and video games. While it may not seem like a big deal, the constant objectification of women can actually have a huge impact on relationships in the real world because it creates very unhealthy ideas about the value and role of women.
As Caroline Heldman described in her TEDtalk, The Sexy Lie, objectification is the act of making someone or something an “object.” In some cases, they are literally turned into another object, like in these ads where women’s bodies are turned into food and furniture:
The reason this is so harmful is that an object is passive and powerless. The “object” is usually controlled by a “subject,” which is often portrayed as a man. This ad for men’s shoes shows a man (the subject) buying a woman (the object) out of a vending machine:
Objectification reinforces the idea that a woman’s value is in appealing to and pleasing others. These toxic messages can shape both how girls see themselves and how guys view the women around them, which can lead to unhealthy power dynamics in relationships.
Recognizing the role that cultural and social beliefs can play in perpetuating abuse is super important, because it’s the first step towards breaking down those ideas and creating a world where healthy relationships are the norm. While it can seem like a lot to tackle, we all have the ability to change the way we think about power and control in relationships. Here are some really simple things that YOU can do everyday to help make that happen:
Get Savvy
Look closely at the world around you and think about what messages are being presented to you about gender, relationships and power. By recognizing unhealthy messages around us, we can make active choices about when and how we let those messages influence our actions and beliefs.
Start Conversations
Silence can be seen as acceptance. If you see or hear something that you think is unhealthy, talking about it (if you feel safe) could help open someone’s eyes to their own unhealthy beliefs. Remind your friends and peers that everyone deserves respect and equality! Read more about what makes a relationship healthy here.
Engage Your Community
Find ways to help your community combat unhealthy messages and make healthy relationship education a way of life, whether it’s in school, at home or on social media.
Where do you see unhealthy messages about power and control? What do you plan to do to help shift the conversation and promote healthy relationships? Let us know in the comments!
Beyonce blew the internet away with her latest visual album, “Lemonade.”In this new album, Beyonce takes viewers/listeners on a roller coaster of emotions by describing her journey through trust issues, lies and infidelity in her marriage to Jay-Z. She starts by describing her intuition about her partner cheating, then she works through denial, anger and hurt, accountability, and in the end, she talks about the decision to forgive. We wanted to explore some of the feelings and behaviors that Beyonce mentions in her new songs, because even though we love Bey, we did find a few things a little concerning!
As we’ve said many times, in a healthy relationship partners should respect each other’s boundaries, no matter what. In the first couple of “Lemonade” tracks, Beyonce sings about how she suspects that her partner might be cheating and how she chooses to deal with these feelings. Bey states: “How did it come down to this? Scrolling through your call lists.” She also talks about her partner coming home at late hours, being deceptive and always having excuses. Beyonce describes what a lot of people have experienced, and it can be so painful to suspect or realize that your partner has violated the boundaries of your relationship. However, it’s important to remember that although one partner may think the other is cheating, it is never okay to invade someone’s privacy by going through their call logs, text messages or social media accounts. A healthier response would be to talk with your partner about your worries and concerns. If after that conversation you still suspect your partner is lying or cheating, that is a definite sign of a lack of trust. Without trust, a healthy relationship isn’t possible. If you can’t trust your partner, it’s time to take a step back and think about whether or not this can be healthy relationship for you.
Let’s be clear, cheating in any relationship is not okay and very hard to deal with, regardless of the status of your relationship or how long you’ve been together. Even Queen Bey seems to be struggling as she sings, “I’m not too perfect to ever feel this worthless.” Many people who talk to us about a cheating partner often worry that it’s somehow their fault, or that they should have prevented their partner from cheating somehow. Beyonce says, “I tried to change. Closed my mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less awake.” But it’s important to remember that the decision to cheat is made only by the person who cheats. If your partner cheats, you are not to blame, and you don’t need to change or try to be someone else. Your partner chose to break your trust instead of communicating with you about what they were feeling. Hopefully Beyonce realized this eventually, too!
At the beginning of “Lemonade,” Beyonce experiences a lot of confusion and anger, which are normal feelings to have when a partner breaks your trust (but like we said, it’s important to deal with these feelings in a healthy way!). By the end of the album, she’s singing about forgiveness, healing and love. We get the message that Beyonce has chosen to stay in the relationship. If your partner cheats, you can choose whether you want to trust your partner again and begin to rebuild with them, or end the relationship and move on. Building trust after cheating can be difficult, but it is possible. Remember, to have a healthy relationship, you need trust and respect. As Beyonce says, “Heaven will be a love without betrayal.”
Do you recognize any of the feelings or behaviors that Beyonce sings about in “Lemonade” in your own relationship?
Call, chat or text with a loveisrespect advocate if you need to talk!
By Anitra, loveisrespect youth organizer
Breakups are already hard enough, but they’re even harder when an ex-partner just won’t leave you alone. Many of us have had to deal with an ex-partner who refuses to accept that the relationship has ended. Often they’ll do things like:
We’ve seen a few of these behaviors in action recently between certain celebrities. Chris Brown (who has previously been abusive to partners) has reportedly been broken up with his ex-girlfriend, Karreuche Tran, for almost a year. However, he is choosing not to let go of the relationship, even as Karreuche has stated she’s not interested in getting back together. He rapped about Karreuche in a new song and has picked fights with her managers. He often posts about it on social media, even going so far as to harass people who comment on Karreuche’s posts.
These behaviors are not healthy. They’re crossing boundaries Karreuche has set and are forms of abuse. Dealing with these types of behaviors can be overwhelming and can make moving past the breakup really tough. If you’re experiencing this with an ex, here are some suggestions that could help you cope (and be sure to check out our tech safety checklist!):
Often we think that separating from a partner is no big deal or that everyone will just move on. But it’s important to recognize that when an abusive or unhealthy relationship is ending, it can be a very dangerous time for a victim of abuse. Abusive relationships are about power and control, and when the non-abusive partner ends that relationship, the abusive partner may choose to make desperate attempts to try and regain control. If for any reason you feel unsafe, it can be helpful to create a safety plan.
If you’re the one having trouble letting go of a relationship, it’s important to remember that each person has the right to walk away or end a relationship, for any reason. Feeling upset, sad or angry that a relationship has ended is totally understandable. However, it’s not healthy to act on those feelings by trying to force or manipulate someone into getting back together with you. What is healthy? Accepting that the relationship has ended, respecting your ex’s boundaries, and taking care of yourself while moving on. If your feelings are leading you to choose unhealthy behaviors, you might consider talking to a counselor, a trusted friend or even a loveisrespect advocate for support!
Is your ex not letting go of your relationship? Or are you trying to get your partner back in unhealthy ways? We’re here to help! Call, chat or text with a loveisrespect advocate today.