What is stealthing?

Even if you had consented to going “all the way,” with someone, that doesn’t mean that the person you consented to have sex with has the right to bypass said consent and use it to violate your body by removing a condom during sex without your permission. Because that is what stealthing does—it violates your body! It violates the trust you placed in the other person and the agreement you had with that person to respect each other’s bodies and feelings. Therefore, when someone deliberately does this to hurt you, there’s no doubt they are engaging in emotional abuse.

Although we are seeing and hearing about more stealthing cases every day in the media, there’s currently no formal legislation on sexual assault and rape that identifies stealthing as sexual assault—but that might soon change. In the fall of 2017, members of Congress requested a hearing in the House Judiciary Committee to address stealthing as an “emerging legal problem.” They argued—and rightfully so—that stealthing can have devastating effects on a person’s health and wellbeing. Why? Because if a partner removes a condom during sex without telling the other person, it can lead to unwanted pregnancies or catching a sexually transmitted disease (STD).

Choosing to have sex without a condom for your own sexual gratification sounds great—until you consider one of the very real health implications: STDs. Nonconsensual condom removal leaves you and your partner vulnerable to catching STDs such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, genital herpes and HIV, some of which can cause infertility and other long-term health concerns if left untreated. Remember, while some STDs are totally treatable, others are not and can stay with you for a lifetime, often without symptoms. But, just because they are asymptomatic doesn’t mean you can’t still pass them on to future sexual partners.

As we mentioned before, no one has the right to control another human being or their body; therefore, stealthing can be used as a manipulative technique for further coercion and manipulation. If survivors finds themselves pregnant and with no resources or anyone to turn to, the perpetrator has won in their quest to continue exercising power and control over the victim by creating a lifelong tie between them.

Researcher Alexandra Brodsky published a study about stealthing in the Columbia Journal of Gender and Law and some of her findings were… erm… disturbing. After interviewing several men and women who had been victims of stealthing, reading online forums and conducting research, Brodsky found out that stealthing perpetrators justified their behavior by using misogynist rhetoric like stealthing is a “man’s right” and a “male’s natural instinct.” Or that women “deserve to be impregnated” and that “men are supposed to spread their seed—even when reproduction is not an option.”

Although you may have consented to having sex in the first place, you consented to having protected sex. If your partner decided to remove the condom during sex, please remember that was your partner’s choice—and that is not your fault! It may be easy to blame yourself for not noticing, but the reality is that so many things take place at the same time during sex! The lights may have been off or maybe you were not physically in a position to confirm a condom was being used. The reasons are endless, really, so please remember to be gentle with yourself if this happens to you. Practicing some self-care may be helpful to get over these feelings of guilt!

As scary as these may sound, getting tested is the only way to know for sure if you caught an STD or if you became pregnant as a result of stealthing. Although certain things may fall out of your control in this life, you always do have control over your body and reproductive rights. We know getting tested can be scary, but you deserve to know what’s going on with your body and health.

If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Don’t be afraid to speak up just because you are afraid of upsetting the other person or out of fear the other person may want to leave the relationship. You have rights! If you don’t feel safe asserting your rights with your partner, that is a big red flag that you may be in an abusive relationship.

If you fear your partner may be capable of removing a condom without your mutual consent, it may be helpful to keep an eye out for it, especially if they are acting suspicious or if they pretend to adjust the condom during sex. Keep the lights on if you need to, or conduct a manual inspection to confirm the condom is still in place. If your findings are not satisfactory, remember you always have the right to say no to sex regardless of where you are or who you are with. Remember: It’s your body and you don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with!

Whether you are having casual sex or sex in a committed relationship, it may be helpful to bring your own condoms if you feel your partner may tamper with them. Even when a condom may look brand new, they can still be broken inside and made to look like new if a partner has the intention of stealthing you. And we’re sure you know this, but never, ever open a condom with your teeth!