Attachment Styles in Relationships

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Every relationship is unique. Each person brings their life experiences to the partnership. This can highlight the value of each person’s contribution to the relationship, as what one seeks and how they behave in a relationship can be quite different. Understanding the dynamics of relationships is a journey, especially when exploring attachment styles and what they look like in relationships. By learning more, we gain valuable insights that deepen our understanding of ourselves and the partners we choose to share our lives with.

What are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles define how we connect with others in close relationships. A person’s perspective on relationships is referred to as their attachment style.

According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, our bond with our primary caregivers during childhood lays the groundwork for our attachments. This early bond teaches us rules for building and maintaining relationships as adults, creating our attachment style. This style is often repeated in other relationships as we grow up and become adults.

Knowing and understanding the different attachment styles makes it easier to recognize why some things happen in relationships. When used correctly, this understanding can make a relationship healthier and stronger. However, your partner should never use their attachment style to validate or excuse abusive behavior. Abuse is a choice, no matter what.

The Four Attachment Styles

Research on attachment styles identifies four different types—anxious or preoccupied, avoidant, disorganized, and secure attachment—each on a spectrum. The extent to which these styles affect your relationship can vary. Using this information can help you better understand your relationship and provide you with the language to express your wants and needs.

Anxious or Preoccupied Attachment

An anxious attachment style (also known as preoccupied) develops when a baby’s needs are consistently not met by their caregiver. In a relationship, a person with anxious attachment may feel stressed or worried that their partner will leave them for whatever reason. They fear abandonment.

People with anxious attachment desire security within their relationships and seek attention and responsiveness from their partners. They may want frequent calls or texts while apart or need validation that their partner cares for them. If you have an anxious attachment style, reflect on what might trigger your insecurities or fears. Once you recognize the triggers, you can take steps to regulate and soothe your fears. Having open and honest communication can relieve these fears. Building trust with your partner is also important because it can help you feel less insecure or worried about the relationship.

Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style often believe they don’t need to be in a relationship to feel complete. They typically have a positive self-view and a negative view of others. They don’t want to depend on other people or have others depend on them.

Someone with avoidant attachment tends to avoid intimacy or emotional closeness. They tend to distance themselves from their romantic partner when they feel their partner is too dependent on them. Additionally, someone with avoidant attachment may hide or suppress their feelings during emotional moments, like conflict. This can make it challenging for them to be in a healthy relationship since healthy relationships involve sharing your feelings or what you need.

If you have an avoidant attachment style (or are dating someone who does), these tips can help you navigate the challenges that may arise.

Disorganized Attachment Style

Disorganized attachment styles, often referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment, typically arise when a child’s relationship with their primary caregiver is rooted in fear. This frequently develops as a result of childhood trauma or abuse.

People with disorganized attachment styles desire love but feel afraid of it. Signs of  disorganized attachment include:

  • Desiring and fearing intimacy and closeness with someone at the same time.
  • Inconsistent behaviors.
  • Difficulties with trusting others.
  • A strong belief that others will hurt them.

While a disorganized attachment style can seem hard to overcome, taking positive steps toward secure attachment is possible. You can educate yourself on what it looks like and what triggers certain behaviors. Open communication and active listening can help people with disorganized attachment styles. Disorganized attachment styles often come from a traumatic childhood in which either your or your partner’s needs went unmet. Therefore, effectively learning to advocate for your needs is important in the healing process.

Secure Attachment

The last attachment style is called secure attachment. Adults with secure attachment are comfortable openly expressing emotions. They can easily depend on their partners and let their partners rely on them. This is based on honesty, trust, and openness. While not everyone has a secure attachment style, moving from one style to another is possible.

Attachment Style Doesn’t Define You

No matter what your (or your partner’s) attachment style is, change is possible. For people with insecure attachments, there are ways to learn new behaviors and grow into secure attachments. While it’s important to know and understand your attachment style, it should never be used to validate unhealthy or controlling behaviors. Everyone, regardless of their attachment style, chooses how they treat their partners.

If you have questions or concerns about your relationship, our advocates are here for you 24/7. You are not alone.